BRIEFS

If tongue in cheek, balls out and butts shaking ain’t yo thing, than BRIEFS won’t be your idea of fun. However, if this sounds like your average Friday night, read on.

Under the mighty green and gold spiegeltent, an unexpecting crowd sat, waiting.
Some had already popped their BRIEFS cherry, but for the majority, the next 95 minutes would prove to be one hell of a deflowering.

Just as most first times go, there was a lot of anticipation pre the big event. As it drew closer to 8pm, the lights dimmed, luring the audience in like a cougar would her prey. Then, from a hidden entrance, a man emerged, holding a lantern.

The intrigued audience watched on as the ring master approached the stage, and a number of white feather fans appeared behind him like a glamorous peacock tail. The peacock’s tail fluttered to the music, before the feathers separated and a part dance routine part full Monty began to unfold.

Strategically hiding behind the fans, each one of the vaudeville cast began to peel off their black tuxedos, bit by bit. The energy in the tent was electric, with screams and cheers coming from all around, as the boys got rid of their pants and their bright, glowing briefs were out on display. Enter a whole lot of sass, followed by gyrating, butt shaking and general comradery between the boys and the crowd – and that was only their opening act.

Shivannah, who was conceived thanks to a fortunate mishap between a ring master and bearded lady during one raunchy night of pleasure, was the audience’s MC for the night. Keeping the crowd enticed but not overexcited that they were ready to blow, the hostess with the mostess told them to expect “a little bit of butch with a fuck load of camp on the side”.

After a short tutorial on how to say and use the word “jeaalousssss” correctly (lift your right hand up, curl your fingers like you’re doing spirit fingers, and say jelloussssssss, elongating the ‘s’), along with some general houses rules, the show was ready to officially begin.

Queue one and a half hours of circus tricks, penis flicks, and out n’ out flamboyant drag. Taking to the stage – the bendy Thomas Worrell, with his aerial hoop contortion performances; the ridiculously good-looking, WA born Louis Biggs and his cheeky comedy act and breakdancing skills; the Evil Hate Monkey obsessed with BANANA; avante garde glamour puss Dallas Dellaforce; sexy butler Lachy Shelley; and the all balls and no tits King of Burlesque, Mark ‘Captain Kidd’ Winmill.

Thomas had heads turning with his aerial stunts, which saw him bending and twirling in the air. Louis had the ladies in a fluster, with his chiselled abs that put the sex back into sexy. He also had some pretty neat tricks too, including some old school yoyo-ing, rubix cube solving, and shorts disappearing…

The Evil Hate Monkey recreated the epic 2001: A Space Odyssey scene, lighting fire to a giant hoop and then skipping through it. Later, the monkey kept his tomfoolery ‘up’ with the help of a banana, which he slowly unpeeled, then made an unsuspecting male audience member eat from where his monkey junk would otherwise be, minus the undies.

Dallas was on fire, with her bold drag sets, Shivanna showed how magical she really was, and a funny dog show skit brought out the boys’ inner animals, their competitive spirit, and a little… poo……. Yeah, poo. An explanation really isn’t necessary, nor wanted, trust us.

After all the caressing, sumptuous foreplay and horny thrusting, it was time for the climax, and the final performance by Captain Kidd. Wearing a feathery, stunning canary costume straight from Rio De Janeiro’s Mardi Gras, the burlesque royalty strutted through the tent to the stage, where he shook his tail feather off until all was left was a pulsating anaconda and rock solid buns.

From under a blanket he revealed a huge glass bowl full of water, before jumping in and grabbing the hanging trapeze dangled above. Then, with all the energy and excitement one can expect before that orgasmic release, he went on to climb up and on the trapeze, spinning, dancing and circling the bowl with the help of his feet, which he used to also splash the first to forth rows. He then sat in the bowl, all sex, glitter and muscles, covering himself and the audience in water until they were all hot, wet and sweaty.

After everyone had settled down and recovered, the cast joined together for one last performance to cap off a night that the audience would forever remember as the best vaudevillian one night stand ever.

And we know those that didn’t get to cum come, were and will always be jeaalloouss.

PENNY LANE