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FAMOUS SHARRON The X-Press x-posé

Beloved Perthonality Famous Sharron is about to star in the Perth Comedy Festival with her show Love Match, at the Hellenic Centre of Perth from this Friday, April 27 to Sunday, April 29, before taking the show to Sydney Comedy Festival in May. Before she gets too famous, NATALIE GILES had a few wines and a lot of laughs with Perth’s darling. Check out her new tourism video, Perth, the Place to Be… Alone, below.

So how did you get #famous?

Well, most people like to get famous through sex tapes and what not. My sex tape is really just me poking Darren in his sleep, going “wake up, Darren! Wake up!” And then the phone vibrated and I thought ‘oooh exciting!’ But no, it was just a message from Chardonnay wanting to be picked up from the club.

So tell me about the love story of Darren and Sharron?

Well, we met on RSPCWA, where you can find your perfect mate [Natalie snorts]. And I knew that he was the man for me because he was a FIFO, and I just had a feeling, and to be honest darls, he’s just so perfect it’s actually flipping annoying, you know? It’s horrible being with someone amazing, because then you realise how little you clean up. And I don’t clean up, darls, but he doesn’t remind me, but the kids remind me. They tell me all the flipping time.

What do they tell you?

Muuuummm, you left a bottle of champagne on the couch again!

As long as they don’t sit on it, break it and cut themselves…

Oh no. They know how to clean up. They know the drill. So anyway, I thought, he’s a FIFO so he’s already a winner. I’ve always just wanted someone who was there for me… one week in seven. So what a dream! And it actually worked really well for the first couple of years because he’d go away and then I’d just go out and do shows and then he’d come back and I’d be doing whatever it is that you do when you have a family. But eventually it flipped and he’d come home and babysit while I went out being famous and now it’s all perfect because he’s a stay at home dad. Or as I like to call him – a DAD.

He runs it like a little mining camp because he was a supervisor. So you know, it’s mess hall, clean up after mess hall, fitness training, all the things darls. He’s got one of those things that you wear, with all the pockets. His emergency supplies – Band Aids, whatever you need. He’s ready to go. He’s amazing. He’s disgusting.

But does he wear it to bed?

Oh, he would love to, but I don’t let that in the room. He has his own little man cave, darls, we call it The Shed. He has little things in the shed. You’ve got to separate your things. He doesn’t like the smell of Britney all over the house so I have a studio and he has a shed.

It’s important to maintain the separation of church and state, right?

Oh, it’s worth the extra $150 a week on the mortgage.

So tell me about the kids?

Well… Chardonnay is a dream. I know you’re not meant to say it, but she’s my favourite. Then there’s the twins, the boys, same father so that’s a win.

It’s kind of what you hope for with twins, though, right?

Well, I dunno, babes, sometimes in my family it’s like playing Guess Who? DNA testing hasn’t been around that long, and you know these days darls I just have the average family – 2 ex-husbands, 4 kids and a dog. You wouldn’t believe how normal this is.

But Chardonnay was my first, and I was living with my parents when I brought her up so she’s just an angel. She’s very shy, doesn’t like the public eye. She’s actually studying at the TAF-AYY. She’s one of the first in our family to do it. She’s studying at the TAF-AYY and working at the Dome-ayy. [Natalie chokes] I’m so proud of her.  It’s very fancy. She’s doing Beauty Fashion and she’s come up with names for my looks.

This one, which nobody can see right now, she calls Avatar on Acid, which viewers can’t see [Natalie loses her shit].

Viewers???

Shush, darls, only we know how much we’ve drunk tonight. Somewhere, someone is viewing me. I know you’re out there, darls.

So I’ve also got double leopard, like double denim but more dangerous, then I’ve got my face all over everything. You’ve seen my leggings, darls, and you can buy them at www.famousfashionlabel.com

So everyone can buy my leggings and my face goes all the way arounds them, so you can all sit on my face – you’re welcome! Merry Christmas, mum. Sit on Shazz’s face.

It’s the gift that truly keeps on giving…

It’s a combined, because they’re expensive. But Shazz is worth it. We also offer a Totes bag. Totes Famous – would you like one?

Obvs…

Well, I got a message from a lady who ordered one recently saying that she loved how much Britney I’d sprayed on it and that the personal message I sent her made her day. I understand now why Kim Kardashian just rolls out foundations! It’s all about the branding.

So back to the kids…

Oh right, them. So the twins are called Brad and Pitt. Their dad is Keith. No, Warren. So many husbands, so much wine, darls. Keith was the first husband, and he was obviously a mistake because our celebrity name was Sheith. Or Karren, which is my mum’s name, so that would have been awkward.

Then I had an affair with Arron, at Fame Factory, which is exactly what it sounds like – the factory of famous, where they just churn out famous people. It’s a production line, but they really don’t know what they’re doing because they were trying to make me famous for things, so they tried to teach me stuff like how to dance, and all the things I can’t do, and then I realised, “darls, I can be famous for nothing! Who needs talent, when you can just be famous?!”

And it’s worked out so well for you! So what’s next?

It’s worked out so well, like incredibly well. Hasn’t even worked out as well as it will work out, darls. This is just embryonic Shazz, for Perth only. So I do Sydney Comedy Festival next month – I’m in Sydney for the month of May – then Hollywood! You heard it here first. Straight to the top, darls.

You have something booked? Give us the scoop!

No, darls, I’m just doing what I did last year – a tour de Sydney for no reason at all. I was just there and people were going “oh my gosh, what are you doing here?” And I was just like, “oh nothing, darls, I’m just here.” I had paparazzi following me for three hours. Because I hired them. [Cue Natalie completely losing her shit.] People were beside themselves. But this is what you do these days. You create your own buzz. You be the fame you want to be in the world.

Is that your mantra?

Oh, I’ve got loads. Pose like everybody’s watching. Don’t get jealous, get famous. Famous AF – that’s a naughty one.

Oh my goodness, that is naughty! Do you just yell that at people?

[laughs] Well, I just got shirts made for my fans. But that is tempting.

Do you think they know what it means?

They definitely don’t. I think we’ll just keep it that way. Famous as famous, I think we’ll just keep it like that.

Give us more please…

Put yourself into your selfie.

Oof, that’s deep…

Yeah, I know. Don’t just own it, darls, you need to work it. You know, I’ve had a lot of virgin selfies – and this isn’t anything I’ve told anyone before – but a lot of people are like, “oh my gosh, I’ve never done a selfie before,” and I just go darls, you’re in a safe place, and if you’re not ready, just start slowly by like photo bombing or something until you’re ready, you know? Work your way up.

Like foreplay?

Absolutely! Don’t just dive in if you’re not ready. I would never take a selfie of someone who wasn’t ready, because consent is so important. If you haven’t done it before, it’s confronting, but you have to take control so you don’t look like a moll.

Oh my gosh, that should be another one! [cue wine glasses chinking in agreement]

So people are always so happy with their selfies and I’m like, darls, I’ve taken 30,000 selfies, why would they all be shit? I always make you look good. I carry my own spotlight, because you’ve always got to have the right light, or else you’ll look shite. It’s so important.

My fans right now are just levelling up. Like, I make them more famous but they make me more famous so we’re just like… symbiotic. It’s like a fame spiral. My fans are so beautiful, and I love them for all their support. It makes me so grateful, and they’re so proud of me, and it’s so beautiful because people don’t just like me for being famous, they like me for being Sharron. Not just famous, not just Sharron, but both together. That’s important. My manager and I came up with a term for them – they’re Sharron Shareholders. They’ve invested in me, and I’m giving them dividends. Isn’t that beautiful?

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