ALL THE WAY THROUGH WA Scots comedian Struan Logan reporting

STRUAN LOGAN is a Scottish stand-up comedian doing his debut stand-up hour Struan All Over the World at FRINGE WORLD. Here he regales his tales of the previous visit he made to Perth. Catch Struan All Over the World from February 6 to 18 (except Feb 12) at 6:15pm at The Game Sports Bar.

Although this is my first time in Perth for FRINGE WORLD I have previously been through this neighbourhood before. Not so much on a stroll, more on a multi-state road trip with a few friends through South Australia, Western Australia, Northern Territory down to Alice Springs and Uluru. I was lucky to have the opportunity to do it as I got to headline comedy clubs whilst on the road but the main reason is because it was in the middle of Australian ‘winter’ so my pasty Scottish skin was able to acclimatise to the heat better. I have been in Perth for a couple of days now and I have had to hang around in shadows like a ginger bearded vampire running between patches of shade before I melt.

To the rest of the world going on a road trip is a journey that lasts about a week and you pass through at least 10 very different cities but Australia is not a normal country. We spent 6 weeks covering only a chunk of this huge continent, managing to reach four cities at best – and one of those was Darwin which is not so much a city, more holding den for crocodiles and criminals on the run. Western Australia impressed me most as the state itself is a third of the country and Perth is the most secluded city in the world with the closest city of Adelaide being 30 hours drive away. I know this very well because this is where the road trip started, travelling into Western Australia through the vast plains of nothingness known as the Nullabor which is appropriate as there is null to be seen and it is a bore. There is very little you can do to keep yourself amused when there are only 5 options for a game of I Spy. So I caught up on my beauty sleep instead.

As you travel through WA you realise the sparseness is what characterises the state, when you find this beautiful beach with clear turquoise seas which looks like it should be on the cover of a magazine and you look around to realise no one else is to be seen. Which is fantastic, being able to sunbathe in peace with no kids running around screaming or having your sun blocked out an fat old guy wearing very unsuitable speedos. As you go through the state you find out these beaches are dime-a-dozen to you people. Whereas I grew up near a Scottish town in Largs, this has a pebble beach, near a nuclear power station and that beach would still be busy if it reached 14 degrees. You have to go with what you are given sadly.

My favourite thing about the sparseness of the state is the rocks like Wave Rock and The Pinnacles. These are unique geological marvels where these areas have been untouched by man-made interference being left alone for hundreds of thousands of years only being shaped by wind, water and the sands of time. Which makes a rock shaped like a penis all the funnier. It makes you realise there is some purpose in this chaotic universe.

The nature in this state is also fantastic, particularly the eagles, spotting the glorious predator sitting at the side of the road eating a kangaroo carcass, the first time you see one you try to edge the motorhome closer and closer to get a good picture but that is as subtle as an elephant trying to sneak up on a lion. When you get close enough to get even a grainy shot on your camera phone the eagle has flown. After spending two weeks of driving through WA you eventually get to the stage where you have seen so many eagles you almost become indifferent of them.

When you reach Broome the number of eagles start taking the piss. The town is so secluded and eagles are the only carnivorous animal in town so they are as common as pigeons. Spending their day hanging about town in groups with nothing to do like a bunch  of bored youths after their ID got rejected from the bottle shop, hanging around the same roadkill and are bickering amongst each other over who gets to eat what, with high pitched cries like little raptor bogans. The only way they could look more similar was if they wore small singlets and thongs, sneaking some cans of Emu Export under the wing.

Whilst a lot of people I know who travelled round Australia chose the east coast due to the beaches and parties, for me the west coast is where it is at with its huge space, natural marvels and superior beaches, the best thing being if there are no people at the beaches you can guarantee there are no pricks. Being here makes me want to travel round it all over again, and see the many things I missed. However after driving over 4000 kilometres to drive from Perth to Darwin and seeing the huge spaces between tiny spots of civilisation I can tell you the political slogan “fuck off we’re full” is definitely not accurate.

Photographs by Struan Logan and Claire Hoyda.

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